keeping myself loose and comfortable. reminiscing every little thing that happened to me days back. more like years back. i felt as if i went through a glass mirror where everything comes back to life and i just re-live each moment.

i took the honor of seeing things in another dimension where i just keep myself still in one world and make my mind wander in a different place. where the scenario would be cool and awesome in one and gruesome and creepy in another.

i remembered the times i had with monster (back when he was still sane and human). it made me feel scared once again. having a glimpse of the past i wished to be erased from my puny mind.

everything was according to command. no one was allowed to reject or answer back. where defiance is a since. where freedom was not tolerated. and where all human rights are none existing.

high school. where everything matters. where your physical being is at stake of being a laughing stock until the new kid arrives. where your money counts or how your family can pay off every little whim you have. where how you sing or play an instrument classifies you as either a geek, a dork, or the cool one. where how you comprehend categorizes you as the nerd or the happy-go-lucky ass everybody is. where how you smile and prep yourself manages to captivate the school hottie.

fast forward. college. i was there. just there. in the back left corner of the chairs trying to make a way that people won’t notice or even bother noticing me. but then again, it was in my veins that i socialize and communicate with the outside world. days passed when you were on the bottom of the pit and then eventually, in just a blink of an eye, you become on top of the food chain. populars step down on the weak. and where the weak never mattered or had the opportunity to stick out. STATUS QUO.

i kept in the pace. i managed to be always on top. never realizing that sometimes, leaving the people who were there to protect and make ur day worth while were the people you just had to step on to to achieve popularity and stardom.

i hate how things are in routine and how everything goes as planned. it was boring. you always know what happens next. who out sines who. and why things went there.

oh why did things had to be so predictable?

he sent me a message telling me that his classes were about to end and that he was hungry. so, i decided to be a little sweet and made him a hotdog sandwich (i didn’t actually had an option since last Monday, we’ve been eating out because we were too lazy to cook and clean afterwards).

around 9:45, he told me that his classes were over and he was heading to my house to spend some quality time (and make-up for his lost time cause he was too busy to show up or communicate with me). it was a routine that started last Monday that he comes to my house after classes to just watch a movie or whatever was on TV.

it was around 11 something when star trek ended and we just decided to hang out in the garage and just smoke.

i didn’t actually planned to spill things out, my mouth just couldn’t help but move. so, i told him about the past relationships that i had and the transitions that i went through. he listening very carefully and just smiled and nodded.

i went teary eyed when i told him about what happened between me and the monster i used to live with years back and how he treated me. he told me that everything was alright and that i should be thankful cause without those things that happened to me before, i would be like this.

he went home at around 12:30 or something close.

me: hubz, thanks.

yish: bakit bebe?

me: la lang, you just saw the me inside the mask and you didn’t care about the flaws

yish: kasi bebe ganto yan, kung babaguhin kta, hnd na ikaw ung babaeng minahal ko. ibang tao na xa. hnd na xa ung babaeng makulit na masarap kasama. hnd na xa ung babaeng girlfriend ko. hnd na xa ikaw.

me: so hubz, ok lang sayo na ganto ako? walang kang gusto baguhin?

yish: kung may babaguhin man ako sayo, un ung bawat umaga mo, gagawin kong gigising kaa ng nakangiti. ng bawat araw mo hnd na malungkot. at ung bawat gabi mo, matutulog ka ng wala kang iisipin kundi bukas masaya na naman ako.

he made me realize that destiny plays a big part in me. that i should accept my past and just gather my strength. face the challenges and never look back.

he made me smile.

Michael Don Irish Vin Fontanilla. thanks so much. i love you hubz.

Player. i used to say that no matter what happens, a relationship to me is just a GAME. a game that should be thought of thoroughly and should be planned ahead. a plan that either be dirty, playing safe or fair.

i always did it dirty.

until 17 came along.

i met him on my 18th birthday. he was dragged by his ex to my party. he was cool. but he was younger than 5 months on my age. so no expectations whatsoever on my part. so after my big break, it was time to hit the sacks and send the guests to their respective homes.

2 days after my birthday, he sent me a message asking me how i was. i replied and we were exchanging messages since then. not realizing that he was having something on his chest and brain that day.

17. he broke up with his ex. then, it became us. i wasn’t really planning on getting serious with him, so i made him a fling. when i was asking about the reason why he broke up with my “friend”, he just said he wasn’t looking for that type of girl.

he knows everything about me, i mean my gender orientation. :))

so, going on. we’ve been together for  couple of months now and its been so sweet and so happy. he knows my friends already, i know his. and we’re both good on both sides.

i’m hoping for something good this time.

there’s nov. 5, 2010 anyway.

I’m tired. As in sooo tired of loving a person who doesn’t appreciate the small things i do for him. Loving someone who doesn’t talk whenever we have a conversation. Someone who doesn’t comfort me whenever i feel down and sad. Someone who can’t kiss me just because. Someone i can’t hold whenever i walk. Someone i can’t lean on whenever i cry. Someone whose not there whenever i need him. I don’t know why this happened to me. Why i fell for a ghost who keeps on insisting he’s human.

People have been telling me for quite sometime now that what i have been doing has been nothing more but plain stupidity. Maybe being stupid in this aspect has been my thing ever since i started having relationships.

I couldn’t cry ‘cause i’m so damn sure that no one will be there to catch my tears. No one would be there to wipe them off my  face. No one would hug me and tell me that everything’s gonna be alright.

I’m having this illusion that somehow, someone like him would love someone like me. A big joke. A ghost would love a  petty human like me.

What if it was the other way around? That i was the ghost and he was human? Would he be real?

And yet, despite everything i’ve been going through with him, I couldn’t help but tell myself that the reason why i’ve been doing this is because i love him. I LOVE HIM. i love him.

But does he feel the same way? Whenever i talk to him, all i wanna say is “I love you”, but these 3 words, will i ever hear it from his mouth?